- 1. Never under any circumstances utter the phrase “I can get this cheaper over at __________”
We don’t care. In fact, we think you’re a dullard for standing here paying for something that you can get cheaper somewhere else. We’re laughing at you now, and we have your face on our security footage. We pull it up from time to time when we want to laugh at a dullard. And that 4-dollar cigar you’re buying? We’re gonna add a buck to it and still sell all of them.
2. Don’t be this guy.
(whispering,…. because who the Hell knows why) “I got a box of Cubans on a beach in Aruba and they only cost FIFTY BUCKS! And I know they aren’t fake because they say ‘Havana’ right on the band!”
Again with the dullards. In fact, not only are you a dullard, you’re a nincompoop. That’s worse than a dullard. When you buy a fake Gucci bag, what the hell brand name does it have on it? ‘Hershel’’s Fine Leather?’
3.Don’t be an “Annoying Andy”. For example calling for the 14th time in as many days asking “Did you guys get Esoterica/OpusX in yet?”
Nope. And you calling ain’t gonna make ‘em show up any faster. What you’ve achieved by calling every single frickin’ day is taking us away from important sh** like blending, inventorying and placing orders for product and writing this FAQ.We got your name and number off the caller ID and took your email off our customer notification list because “Annoying Andy” doesn’t deserve Esoterica or Opus X.
4.Under no circumstances question a shopkeeper’s day to day business practices. For example, a customer asks for a rare product that is out of stock and then replies with “You need to order more!”
Why don’t you go pound sand? First off, you’re too much of a Philistine to understand the reasons why we can’t just “order more”, and I don’t have the crayons or the will to try and explain them to you.You either live under a rock or just want to be a dink. Either way, I dislike you.
5. Do NOT drag a cigar directly under your nose. Do NOT put a pipe in your mouth to “try it out”. You will immediately regret it.
I swear, if you do this at Watch City, or any respectable tobacconist, we will make you purchase the cigar/pipe and then beat you about the head with it. Did you grow up in a barn? Did you grow up? This drives me nuts. Even worse, I’ve seen guys slobber all over the end of their cigar and then use the shop’s cutter. Keep your goddamn bodily excretions to yourselves. God! You’d think COVID woulda’ wised people up… Next time you walk in to a shop and have a notion to rub a cigar under your nose, rub it on your keister instead because it’s gonna’ accomplish the same result- bodily harm.
6. For the love of all things holy and sacred don’t show up to a shop’s lounge and smoke a cigar you didn’t buy there, and if you get caught, don’t lie and tell us you bought it here the other day.
7. Not only will this get you gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane, we’re gonna’ embarrass your cheap ass in front of everyone in the store. You’d think this doesn’t happen, but it does and it is done with a brazenness that usually results in colorful metaphors from the staff. If. You. Didn’t. Buy. It. Here. Don’t Smoke. It. Here.
7. Guys, when you send your wives down to buy from us? Yeah you might want to give them a concise list that includes the Brand, Line and size. And if your wife hates the fact that you smoke and/or is a general pain in your ass? Just come down yourself. Here’s a list of crap I’ve had to deal with from your wives for over 30 years
“All this stuff just screams “cancer” to me.
“I HATE smoking, but it’s Christmas”
“My husband is NOT supposed to be smoking. If he comes in here again, you are NOT to sell him anything”
“My husband smokes a particular cigar. It’s very brown. No, it’s browner than that.”
If I know you, I’m going to embarrass you in front of all the guys when you come to hang out in the lounge. If I don’t know you, just know that I don’t like you already. Nothing has given me more indigestion than your “sweetie-pies”. I have literally been threatened by wives with injury for selling cigars to their husbands. Cart your lazy asses down yourselves.
8. Finally, Understand Tobacco Tax. We can explain it to you but we can’t understand it for you. This is particularly true for Massachusetts residents. I’ll enumerate so even the lowest IQ Masshole might be able to understand-
a) Many states impose taxes on the sale of tobacco. Massachusetts imposes a 40% tax on the wholesale price of tobacco. Cigars in Massachusetts cost a few bucks more than online or out of state
b) If you come into our physical store in Massachusetts or order tobacco on our website to be shipped within/to Massachusetts, you MUST pay that tax. Our site automatically adds that tax as well as the Mass 6.25% sales tax for Mass residents.
c) Those who live out of state, have an out out of state billing and shipping address and order online ONLY do not have to pay the MA sales or Tobacco taxes which is why prices appear less online.
SO…those who come in to our store in Framingham with a list of prices from our website and demand to pay those prices? Yeah, you will walk out with a sorer ass than any sore ass that has ever existed. We know our business. Cries of “That’s not how taxes work” are met with the number to the Massachusetts Department of Revenue whom we really, really want you to call and complain to that “Watch City Is Charging Me Taxes”. They will laugh at you and probably even flag you for an audit.